life is long and love is deep

“Baby sleep, gently sleep / Life is long and love is deep. / Time will be sweet for thee / All the world to see. / Time to look around and know / How the shadows come and go, / How the breeze stirs the tree, / How the blossoms grow.”
– The Village, Ivy’s Lullaby

Here, at the beginning of the semester, with empty pockets and no clear horizon or safe landmarks, it is so easy to forget why I am still waking up with breath in my lungs.

Here, at a crossroads in my life, with adult responsibilities slung across my aching shoulders, I sometimes forget why I chose to go down these roads, to move forward with hope and desire.

Maybe it’s not only me that feels so dog-eared and second-hand cheap at the beginning of the semester. I think many tend to run short on peace, and feel the tight grip of fear’s fingers on their back. There are more uncertainties than usual; the scary sight of empty bank accounts and new people. Often I irrationally imagine the worst case scenario for every single one of my classes. I imagine bitter endings for friendships. I wallow in regrets, letting shame push me under and keep me from a joy and hope that is mine by right. Now becomes a stasis, a place where two winds meet and wrestle over nothing.

I don’t know about tomorrow. I don’t know if I’ll have money or friends or recognition, I don’t know if I will be laughing or crying or filled with awe. I don’t know.

And I don’t feel very proud of yesterday’s failures, the marring of good gifts, and the sacrifice of beautiful moments. But, as Jamie Tworkowski says,

“God must be a pretty big fan of ‘today’, because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live.”

Life is so beautiful. There is lots of pain and lots of messes we’ve made that we must also wade through. But there is grace; impossible, determined grace. Let it stagger you here at the beginning of things. Let it sweep you off your feet, and remind you that you are a gift living inside of a gift. No matter what has been, no matter what will be, right now you are alive and you are breathing air that you were supposed to breathe. Don’t waste it looking backwards or crouching under blankets for tomorrow. Breathe. Life is long, love is deep, and time will be sweet.